Marissa-isms

When ever she is greeting someone, it's "Oh, hi!" like she wasn't expecting it but is pleasantly surprised to see you.

When she is particularly glad that you did something and/or gave her something, it's "Thank you SOOO MUCH!"

When she finds something appealing for any reason, its "That is so BE-AU-TI-FUL!"

And lately, my most favorite is when she is really happy about something you did, you also get a "I'm so PROUD of you!"

Melts my stinkin' heart every single day. I'm sure grateful to be her mom.

07/21/2000

On this day ten years ago, I had the worst day of my life. Acknowledging that it was the worst day of MY life always feels selfish and wrong because the events of this day, ten years ago, didn't directly affect me. Let me explain.

July 21, 2000 started in a most unwanted way -- with a phone call sometime after 2am. I answered, knowing a call at that time is rarely a good thing, and found it was my sister, frantic. "Chris (her fiance) is missing. He was supposed to be home around 11. He doesn't answer his phone. Something is wrong!"
"Meagan, don't drive. Tell me where you are. I will come and get you," I tell her because I can hear in her voice that she's totally emotionally out of control.
"I'm almost to your house. I'll be there in just a minute," she responds. I hang up and bring Landon up to speed. We are both groggy, but the seriousness of the situation is already clear to us both. Meagan and Chris were living at his home in Courtland, a small agricultural town south of Sacramento along the Sacramento River. The road to their home runs, for the most part, along the top of the levee.
"She thinks he's at the bottom of the river." I tell Landon even though she did not say that to me. In the back of my mind, I am worrying about that exact thing. "If he went into the river, it could be days before we know what has happened."
Meagan arrives and recounts the last several hours of her life. Chris had called a little after 10 to tell her he was on his way home. She waited up for him, but he never came. She kept trying to tell herself to just relax, he'd gotten caught up at work before. By 1am, however, she couldn't believe it any more. Meagan got into the car to go looking for him. She went by his brother's house hoping maybe a family problem had come up. His car wasn't there and the house was dark. She went by his parents' home -- no sign of Chris and everyone was clearly in bed there too. Finally, she went to the family's business. One of Chris' brothers was there. She told him what was happening, hoping he would know where Chris was. He didn't know, but he told her to go and try to calm down and rest. He would alert Trenton, Chris' brother who is the head of the family and try to figure out what had happened.
We tried to calm her, to reassure her we would figure out where Chris was, but I think all of us already knew something very bad had happened. Meagan shifted between being really quiet and crying heavily. At some point, Landon made us all pancakes. I don't think any of us ate much. By the time 7am rolled around, we still had no word on Chris. We knew that he wasn't at any of the area hospitals, and we knew that there were friends driving the river roads looking for signs of an accident. Landon decided he needed to go to work, and I called my boss and told him I wouldn't be there.
There was more waiting. We called our parents and told them what was going on. They asked us to keep them posted, and Meagan and I just waited. Sometime around 10 or 11, there was a knock at my door. I answered it and found Trenton and his wife there, their faces covered with grief. I knew what they were there to tell us immediately. They didn't have to say anything. I wanted to ask them to wait outside so I could tell Meagan myself, but I didn't. I invited them inside. I watched as Trenton failed to find words, then as Cyndi, his wife, told Meagan that they had found Chris. He was dead. Then I watched my poor sister collapse on the floor. Cyndi tried to catch her, but instead only helped her to the ground. Meagan was overcome, and her hysteria seemed to make Trenton very uncomfortable. Cyndi told us what they knew, and invited us to join the family at Chris' parents' home to wait for more information. Then they left.
I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do to make it better for my sister. In a single moment, the future she had been building fell apart. She was devastated, and I was helpless to do anything for her. I tried to hold her, I tried to find words to comfort her, I tried to do something to ease her pain. There was nothing.
There was a flurry of activity that day and in the days that followed, and honestly, I'm not totally sure what day the various things happened. At some point, the grief we all felt numbed us, which is probably how we were able to accomplish the many things that needed to be done.

At Chris' memorial service, everyone that spoke said the same thing: Chris was their best friend. His brothers, his friends. Everyone. He was an amazing guy. Chris was funny but sincere. Chris was hard-working but laid back. Chris was a guy's guy but sensitive. Chris was everyone's favorite relative and everyone's best friend, loved by everyone who knew him. It was heart-breaking to see so many people truly feeling a huge hole in their lives from Chris' absence.

Today, I honor Chris' memory. I feel privileged to have known him. I think of him often, and miss him still. I am grateful that my family and I were blessed enough to have had him in our lives, even if only for a few, short years.

good friends

Today, I feel really grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my friends. I am not the kind of person with a ton of acquaintances. . . instead, I have a small handful of really great friends. They are people who know that I'm not always good at calling, that I get overwhelmed by life and then realize three months later that I have not seen or talked to anyone besides my family for way too long. They know that I try to be a good friend, but that I can be totally clueless and sometimes tactless too. They know the "real" me, and love me anyway. Who could want anything more than that?
Thanks for coming to visit me, Lara. I'm always grateful that I count you as my friend, but I am particularly pleased when we get to spend time together. It doesn't happen as much as I would like, but I'm so glad when it does. I miss you already and can't wait to see you again soon!!

Fireworks and the 4th of July

Mason likes fireworks. I mean, duh. What kid doesn't like fireworks, right? Anyway, Mason was really pumped about the fireworks show we saw on the 3rd of July, and was eager to see more as soon as possible. Since we had two very full days on the 2nd and 3rd of July, I wasn't particularly interested in doing anything on the 4th proper, but I thought the time was right to have some fireworks at home with The Dude. So, after a very lazy day, Mason finally got me off my butt in the late afternoon of the 4th to purchase some fireworks. We bought an assortment suggested by the fireworks stand employees, got a pretty awesome deal (NOTE: purchasing fireworks at 6pm on the 4th of July = good idea if you want to negotiate prices), and took them home. I promised Mason we would set them off when it got dark, but The Dude was certain I was going to do it without him. While I was making dinner, which involved grilling outside, he kept checking to make sure that I wasn't secretly setting off the fireworks by myself.

Anyhow, I spent a good ten minutes that evening explaining to Mason that the fireworks we had purchased weren't like the ones at the professional show we had seen the night before. He wanted to know why we couldn't have the kind of fireworks that explode high in the sky, and I explained that they were both illegal and incredibly expensive. After explaining what "illegal" and "expensive" meant, he seemed satisfied. I wanted him to be excited and satisfied with the fireworks I had procured even though they weren't like what he has come to expect.

It finally got dark enough for us to set off the fireworks, and so Landon, Mason and I went outside to enjoy our stash. After we had finished with ours, our neighbors started lighting the big fireworks I had told Mason people like us couldn't buy. The two of us watched and cheered as the fireworks shot up into the sky and exploded loudly. After a couple of minutes, Mason declared, "It looks like someone has some money!"

So true, Mason. So true.

Father's Day, Part II: My Husband

This is my husband, Landon. He doesn't normally look so, um, awesome. Every couple of months, he decides to shave off his goatee. He does it in stages, experimenting with weird facial hair configurations that a trial lawyer such as himself wouldn't normally be able to wear. During the various stages, he likes to change clothes, props, etc and makes me takes pictures of himself acting as he thinks the current facial hair dictates. This mustache always makes an appearance during these shaving sessions, and it usually makes him want to rock.

Landon makes me (and himself) laugh. A lot. We have tons of fun together doing things as simple as shaving off his goatee. Back in our college days when we had even less money than we do now, we used to have "dates" that involved crossing the street to the local drug store and/or grocery store and trying to find the weirdest product we could find. We discovered such gems as "cock flavored soup" and "smack ramen". Then we'd buy some hot wok, rent a video and just hang out together. It was awesome every time. We laughed and talked trash and just enjoyed being together. Is it any wonder that I wanted to have babies with a guy like that? The discoverer of cock flavored soup surely would make an excellent father!

But seriously, why did I want to make babies with this guy? It all goes back (again) to our college days. When Landon and I started dating, I was still living at home with my parents. My parents' home has always been our family's gathering place, somewhere to have a good meal, let the kids play with each other, and enjoy the company. When ever there were children around when Landon was there, he was out playing with the kids. He'd wrestle all of them at once on the trampoline, throw them in the air while we were swimming, help them "walk" on the ceiling, smell their feet and otherwise make sure the kids were all having a great time. All of my neices and nephews love Landon. In fact, my brother Brandon was so excited when Landon and I had our first child because he finally had the chance to be someone's favorite uncle (as Landon is pretty much everyone's favorite). Throughout our six year courtship, when ever I was upset or frustrated with Landon, I'd make him go out to my parents' house. I'd spend an hour or so watching him with the kids, and it would always help me remember why he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

And so it continues today. I watch Landon with our babies and I remember why I fell in love with him so many years ago. He is the best dad I know. Everything in his life is about his family. The man recently broke his leg playing hide and seek with his children, for pete's sake! I know that marrying Landon and having children with him was the best choice I have ever made in my life. I feel so incredibly lucky to have him as the father of my kids, and I am truly grateful for the amazing father he is to our children every day of my life.