Tonight, the issue of babies coming from eggs was brought up over dinner by my 5 year old. For whatever reason, it clicked in his mind that we eat eggs and that babies come from eggs. He suddenly became concerned about whether we were eating babies. I asked him if he had ever seen a baby chicken in his eggs when I cook them. He said no, so I explained that babies can't be in eggs if the daddy hasn't put his part in the egg yet. I was really hoping that would suffice, but it didn't.
"If the egg is the mommy part, what is the daddy part?" he wanted to know. So I told him that the daddy part is called sperm. It was almost painful to use that word with him because I could just picture him telling his little friends at school all about it.
"So how does the sperm get in the egg?" he asked, then almost immediately came up with an answer. "OH YAH! Is that when mammals do the special dance in the sea?"
"Um, what?" I responded.
"Do they do a special dance like sea horses?" he asked.
Relieved at being provided a good explanation that didn't require much detail, I said, "YES! They do a special dance like sea horses!"
"Did you and Dad do a special dance?"
"Uh, yeah. We did." I said hesitantly.
"Did you turn the same color?!?" Clearly, we've shown this kid too many nature documentaries . . .
"Um, no. We didn't turn the same color," I responded. "Different animals have different kinds of special dances. Sea horses have their own dance, monkeys have their own dance, and people have their own dance."
"Mom, can you teach me how to do the dance?" Crap. Crap. Crap.
"No, Mason. I can't teach you how to do the special dance."
"Why Mom?"
"Well, Mason. It's private," I try to explain, hoping that will suffice. Unfortunately, he is not familiar with the word "private" in any other context than . . .
"YOU USE YOUR PRIVATES?!" he asks incredulously. Awesome.
"Yes. Yes, you do." I respond, trying to sound very matter-of-fact.
"YOU DANCE NAKED?! GROSS!"
And that was the end of the most awesome sex talk ever.
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